Talk to one another. It is important to get the feelings and concerns out on the table where you can figure out what to do about them. Family members are sometimes so concerned about hurting one another's feelings that they say nothing at all. Feelings that go unspoken tend to build up, with the result that unidentified tensions pervade the family's relationships and tempers begin to flare. Families who find it too difficult to start this kind of discussion may find that family counseling is an effective way to get the process started.
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| Multiple Sclerosis Recommended Help |
Negotiate solutions. Try to find solutions that are reasonable for all concerned. For this kind of negotiation to happen successfully, family members need to take the time to express their own needs and listen attentively to the needs of others.
Learn from others. Chapter events and support groups sponsored by the National MS Society, books and articles, and the Internet are all mechanisms for connecting with other families who are living with MS. They provide opportunities for families to learn from each other's problem-solving efforts while simultaneously offering invaluable emotional support.
Deal with financial issues frankly and openly. There is ample help available, from both professionals in the community and written materials, for families' financial planning efforts. Financial worries can be a major source of family tension and upheaval. It is important to find ways to enhance each person's financial security, and it is never too early to start this planning process.
Share the responsibilities. Adults sharing a home need to share responsibility for the care and management of that household. Except in the case of very extreme disability, every person can make some useful contribution. Divide responsibilities according to taste, time, and physical ability so that each adult can feel like an important member of the household. There will inevitably be differences of opinion about how various things should be done; these too can be negotiated with some mixture of tolerance, flexibility, and a sense of humor.
Share the care giving. Everyone can use some care giving, whether disabled or not. Each member of the family, whether elderly (and possibly disabled) or younger and disabled, needs the care and attention of others. Look for ways to give to one another so that each person can feel that he or she is on both the giving and receiving ends of a caring and supportive relationship.
Protect everyone's privacy. Parents and children who are living together need to ensure that everyone has some time, space, activities, and relationships that are separate and theirs alone. Parents need time to themselves and with their friends, and so do adult children. Too much togetherness eventually leads to conflict and resentment. Even the most disabled person who requires a great deal of hands-on care and attention needs some private space and time.
There is no need to wait for a crisis before seeking help. Renegotiating the parent-child relationship is never an easy job. It usually requires a significant amount of adjustment on the part of everyone involved. Family members often feel that they should be able to manage these changes without any difficulty simply because they love one another. But it is precisely because family members love one another that the necessary communication and negotiation can become so difficult.
When the diagnosis or progression of MS begins to alter the ongoing parent-child relationship, it may be helpful to sit down with a family therapist and talk about the feelings and questions that each family member has and the types of problems they anticipate. This type of discussion and joint problem solving can often resolve tensions before they turn into crises.
Make full use of available resources. Living with MS can be exhausting for everyone - including the person who has the disease and those who are helping with care and support. To ensure optimal health and well being for everyone in the family, take advantage of the various types of assistance options your community has to offer; no family needs to do this alone. Your chapter of the National MS Society (Call 1-800-FIGHT-MS; 800-344-4867) can guide you in the direction of important community resources. To find out more, you can check out Multiple Sclerosis Recommended Help.