MS CAN BE a costly disease. Financial concerns are among some of the most common sources of conflict for any couple. MS associated costs, including medical care, the available disease modifying drugs, adaptive equipment, and professional caregiving help, can directly conflict with educational expenses for the children, a car that provides reliable transportation, and saving for retirement. These issues can be a major source of disagreement in a marriage, and they require patience, commitment, and good communication skills for successful resolution.
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| Multiple Sclerosis And Cheating |
The Sexual Relationship
INTIMACY AND SEXUALITY can be profoundly affected by chronic illness. Of particular relevance here, however, is the potential impact of caregiving activities on the well-partner's sexual feelings for his or her MS-partner. Much of the help that well-partners provide involves intimate (but nonsexual) and sometimes unappealing contact. This might include assistance with dressing, bathing, or eating, and catheterizing or cleaning up after an episode of incontinence. Well-partners often describe themselves as "turning off their feelings" when they give that kind of intimate assistance.
Then, when they try to be sexual with their partners, well-partners sometimes find that they remain emotionally turned off and disinterested in physical intimacy. The caregiver's near-constant state of fatigue, worry over the growing list of responsibilities, and sadness over changes in the marital relationship have as much impact on the couple's sexual relationship as the changes in sexual function experienced by the MS-partner. These feelings and concerns need to be shared and discussed in order for the relationship to grow in a meaningful and comfortable way.
Feeling Cheated
MS CAN CREATE a deep sense of unfairness in a relationship, leaving one or both of the partners feeling cheated and angry. They may even find themselves locked in a contest over who has it worse. MS-partners tend to believe that their situation is the most uncomfortable, frustrating, and unfair, whereas well-partners feel equally trapped and disabled by an illness that is not even their own. These valid and intense feelings can be difficult to curb, and finding a positive way to deal with them is a significant challenge for many couples. This is especially true if the couple has few friends, family members, or professional helpers to whom they can or are willing to turn. Sometimes in the absence of other outlets, the built-up frustration and anger are directed at each other.
Many MS-partners have described the anger that they have about the disease and the ways that the anger becomes focused on the well-partner who can leave the house at will, decide what food is bought at the grocery store, and even determine when the MS-partner gets up and goes to bed. These MS-partners resent their dependence on their partners. Thus, the anger that a person with MS feels over the limitations imposed by the disease tends to spill over onto the partner who is providing much of the necessary help and care. The well-partner, in turn, feels unfairly targeted by the accumulated anger and resentment.
MS-partners who are severely limited in what they can do on their own sometimes feel a need to reassure themselves that their well-partners are truly there for them. They may test this with frequent requests for help or by calling out to their well-partners "just to check" where they are. Sometimes, the cognitive problems of MS can make it uncontrollably difficult for MS-partners to sort out what has to happen now and what can wait. This loss of impulse control can result in well-partners feeling trapped by a situation in which they are "on call 24/7."
Maggie Strong (whose husband had MS) and Jane Bendetson (whose husband was disabled by cardiac disease) of the Well-Partner Foundation write about how disabling it feels to become the working arms and legs for one's partner. These two writers and others have described the way that friends and family members seem to expect that they, as well-partners, will naturally, willingly, and successfully take up the caregiving role when, in fact, this is not always the case. These writers speculate that this expectation results from the fact that family and friends would not know what to do if they were asked to pitch in and help with the care. To find out more, you can check out Multiple Sclerosis And Cheating.