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| Adult Children With MS |
Chronic illness and disability can interfere with these expectations. Progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) that is diagnosed during the teens or twenties might interfere with a child's ability to leave home. Some young or middle-aged adults whose MS becomes disabling may find themselves needing parental help or support, and those who are most severely impaired may even return to the parental home because they can no longer afford or manage a place of their own. Because such a reversal of traditional roles and disruption of expected patterns is generally not anticipated, it is important to recognize the complex array of feelings - both positive and negative - that can arise in family members.
On the positive side, there is nothing more reassuring for an adult child with MS than to know that he or she is not alone. The comfort of having parents to turn to for assistance and emotional support is immeasurable. For parents, there can be joy and satisfaction - even a renewed sense of mission - in helping their children to remain as healthy, comfortable, and independent as they can possibly be.
Such a disruption can also create a variety of stresses for the entire family. I'll describes some of the ways in which family members may react, and discusses possible strategies for coping with these unanticipated events.
Reactions of Adult Children with MS
GIVEN THAT THE expectation of most children growing up in our society is to become independent, the foremost reaction of disabled young adults is often an acute sense of loss over their own destinies. The onset of illness or disability can shatter the feelings of power and invulnerability that propel young people out into the world. When young adults are unable to move out of their parents' home, their dreams are threatened, and they worry that they will never be able to experience the freedom and autonomy that usually come with adulthood.
Older adults who find themselves needing parental care or support after they have already been on their own for a while have an even more complicated adjustment to make. In addition to feeling a loss of control over their own lives, they may also experience a threat to the adult status that they worked so hard to reach and maintain.
Those who have been self-supporting and self-directed for a number of years may find that returning to the care and/or support of their parents feels like a giant step backward, not only because their status as adults feels threatened, but also because of the loss of autonomy and privacy.
Once one's parents have been asked for help, support (financial or otherwise), or advice, they may tend to slip back into their earlier parental patterns of wanting to guide, protect, or even control. This may be particularly true for the adult child who needs to move back into the parental home; the parents may revert to attitudes or behaviors that were well suited to their child's teenage years, but feel overly intrusive or controlling for an adult who has long been independent. Accustomed to being able to come and go as they please, adult children may find themselves once again needing to live within their parents' schedules and abide by their rules. The parent-child struggles of the past emerge again.
Even for adult children who maintain homes and families of their own, the need for parental help or support can sometimes cause tensions between and within the generations. It may be very difficult for parents and adult children to establish comfortable boundaries. A child may want his or her parents to provide help or advice when they are asked, but feel resentful of unsolicited advice or suggestions; parents who are concerned for their child's welfare may find it difficult to keep their opinions to themselves.
Some parents, for example, may feel anxious about a son- or daughter-in-law's willingness or ability to provide sufficient care and emotional or financial support. This may lead the parents to become freer with their advice and opinions than they might otherwise have been, with the result that the son- or daughter-in-law feels pressured or inadequate. Marital tensions are not uncommon in this kind of situation. These types of tensions may be further complicated by disagreements over the care of grandchildren.
Grandparents who are called upon to help with certain of the grandchildren's needs may begin to try to control various aspects of their upbringing. This can cause the adult child with MS (and his or her spouse) to feel challenged or inadequate in his or her parenting efforts and resentful of the grandparents' involvement.
Adult children who become dependent on their parents for one kind of support or another also worry about the impact of their disability on their parents' lives. Knowing that their parents had their own plans and dreams for retirement, they often feel guilty over the disruption they may be causing. Adult children may also worry about their inability to provide the household, financial, or care giving assistance that elderly parents sometimes need.
Who will be able to help their parents when and if the need arises? Will other siblings be asked to take on more than their share of the responsibilities? How will they feel about that? Will the parents need to look beyond the family for the help they require?
Disabled adults who rerun to their parents' home also experience anxiety about the future. Needing to rely on elderly parents for support or care giving makes people feel very vulnerable. Who will be there to help me in the future? How will I enough money to get the care I need? Will I be alone? Will I to go into a nursing home? These feelings of anxiety and vulnerability can sometimes cause equally strong feelings of anger and resentment against the very people upon whom one is dependent. No one likes to feel vulnerable. The gradual buildup of these complicated emotions can stress even the most comfortable and loving parent-child relationships. To find out more, you can check out Adult Children With MS.