ALL OF THESE stresses and frustrations, whether they relate to life plans that have been thwarted, unwanted responsibility, or increasing dependency, often have no constructive outlet. It is not uncommon for emotionally harmful behaviors to develop between partners. Hurtful words are spoken during a difficult transfer into the car, shouting matches erupt when the well-partner is late arriving home, doors are slammed when there is a disagreement, or threats are made about putting a hospital bed in the family room, nursing home placement, or divorce. These angry encounters, probably never part of the relationship before MS, may become increasingly common.
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| How To Maintain Multiple Sclerosis Relationships |
Couples who have never raised a hand toward one another in anger may occasionally become physically abusive. Such physically hurtful exchanges usually begin to occur in the context of giving or getting personal help. It can begin in small ways - the well-partner being rough when brushing the MS-partner's hair or giving a bath, or the MS-partner scratching the well-partner during a transfer. Once frustration and anger have reached this point, physical abuse by either partner may become more frequent.
There is usually a great deal of very honest guilt and shame after these events, with promises to partner and self that it will never occur again. Often, though, it does recur, perhaps worse than the time before. For that reason alone, no level of abusive behavior is acceptable. While the circumstances that create the frustrations leading to abuse are often unavoidable, the response of physical aggressiveness is not. That is why it is so important to be aware of the tensions as they mount and do something about them before more emotional or physical harm is done.
The majority of couples never experiences such levels of distress or become abusive. It is important to be aware, however, that mutual love, deep commitment, religious values, or financial resources do not necessarily protect partners from becoming hurtful to one another. Outbursts begin to occur when people ignore mounting frustration, fail to recognize that they cannot control themselves, and are unable to identify any options for themselves. The only acceptable position to take is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, and that creating solutions is possible if the couple is willing to admit their stress and seek help. The best way to avoid bringing abuse into the relationship is to prevent the painful emotions that lead to it.
How to Keep the Relationship Alive and Well
Effective Communication
THERE ARE SOME general things that all couples who are dealing with advanced MS can do to keep the care partnership alive and well, and some very specific things. The most important skill for any couple is good communication. Being able to share feelings, opinions, and points of view, by taking the time to talk to and listen to one another, is essential to any successful partnership. Although couples who are not living with chronic illness often rely on communicating "on the run" while sharing a ride to work, gardening, or before they fall asleep, couples who live with MS find that they cannot count on such opportunities.
Because of time constraints, fatigue, or MS-related memory, attention, or concentration problems, MS couples may have to work harder than most couples to find the best routine for "staying connected," and making it a routine is very important.
Decisions that need to be made and disagreements that need to be resolved are best dealt with one at a time before they become problems. Couples who have trouble making time to talk together, or find that very intense feelings about several issues have gotten mixed together, should consider consulting a marriage counselor who is familiar with chronic disease. Such a therapist can help the couple work through existing problems and build skills for managing future concerns. This, in turn, can relieve some of the emotional pressure and help make the communication process more productive and enjoyable. Many couples find that knowing a therapist with whom each partner is comfortable, and whom they can consult periodically, is as important as having a good neurologist. To find out more, you can check out How To Maintain Multiple Sclerosis Relationships.