Seeing MS Through Two Pairs Of Eyes
DIFFERENCES OF OPINION about the amount of care and assistance needed by the MS-partner are a common source of conflict among couples. For example, the MS-partner may feel the need for more help or attention than the well-partner thinks is required.
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| Multiple Sclerosis Conflict |
In this situation, the well-partner may become resentful of the demands being made, whereas the MS-partner interprets the partner's reluctance or resentment as an indication of insensitivity, selfishness, or even emotional abandonment.
Conversely, the caregiver who is concerned about the MS partner's physical safety, driving skills, or cognitive abilities may feel the need to become more involved in the MS-partner's daily activities than the MS-partner believes is necessary. Some combination of resistance on the part of the MS-partner to acknowledging change or loss of personal abilities, and anxiety on the part of the well-partner can make it difficult to reach any kind of agreement. This situation is particularly stressful because it highlights a shift in the couple's prior relationship - a change from the more "equal" partnership in which each person made personal decisions for himself or herself to a relationship in which the well-partner begins to feel obliged to take on a more managerial or supervisory role.
The Uses Of Time
GRADUALLY, COUPLES LIVING with disabling MS make significant changes in how they use their time, both individually and together. Most of the well-partner's unscheduled time is devoted to the routines of maintaining the household, attending to the children, and managing the MS-partner's care needs. The well partner often works outside the home and has limited free time.
Every minute of the day is full. Errands are done as the opportunity presents and as quickly as possible. The list of things to do in a day is long, and getting through the list is a higher priority than doing the chores well. Children need help with homework and transportation for after-school activities. Any "alone time" is at a premium and needs to be carefully protected.
The MS-partner, on the other hand, may have been home alone all day, looking forward to the partner's company in the evening. Any free time that the well-partner spends reading, exercising, or doing other things that do not include the MS-partner is a disappointment to the partner who has MS. In addition, the MS-Partner who becomes increasingly frustrated by his or her inability to perform household chores wants to see them taken care of quickly and thoroughly.
When the couple sees each other at the end of the day, there can be a clash of needs for "alone" versus "together" time, or the wish for "a little quiet time" versus the desire to "get some things done." Well-partners frequently describe feeling forced to choose among doing for themselves, meeting their household and family responsibilities, and meeting the needs and hopes of their partners.
The Use Of Space
COUPLES OFTEN HAVE differences of opinion about how much the home should be rearranged or modified to accommodate MS, or whether they should consider moving in order to make life more manageable. Either the caregiver or the MS-partner may be reluctant to have a commode chair in the living room, build a ramp on the front of the house, or give up the family home and move to an accessible condo. These disagreements are usually motivated by a complex set of feelings and needs.
They may involve differences of opinion about the best ways to manage the disability, as well as a desire to keep things appearing as normal as possible (especially if there are children at home). In addition, one or another partner may simply "draw the line," because of a feeling that far too much has already been sacrificed to the disease and to the other person's needs. This sense of having reached a limit of personal sacrifice is a common but somewhat embarrassing feeling for people, with the result that it is seldom acknowledged, much less discussed. To find out more, you can check out Multiple Sclerosis Conflict.