ALL PROSPECTIVE PARENTS, with or without the added complications of MS, need to assess their ability to provide a safe and secure environment for their children. Along with the joys children bring come additional pressures and responsibilities that can stress even the strongest relationship. A husband and wife who are already coping with MS need to think constructively about the future and plan defensively. Because it is impossible to predict the course of the disease, it is necessary to hope for the best while being prepared for whatever may occur.
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| Multiple Sclerosis And Parenting |
Thus, couples need to consider what they would do if the primary breadwinner became too disabled to work, how the children would be cared for if the primary caregiver became too disabled, and whether additional help and support would be available from the extended family. By discussing these issues honestly, couples can make more realistic decisions, reduce some of the stress of uncertainty, and feel more in control of their lives.
Parenting Style
INDIVIDUALS WITH MS often ask if they will be able to be good parents. The more important question is what being a "good parent" means to them. Whether they realize it or not, most people have an image of the kind of mother or father they want to be, and this image often involves very specific kinds of behaviors.
Men, for example, often think of fathering as playing sports, going camping, or roughhousing with the kids. "How can I be a good father if I can't even throw a baseball?" Women talk about being able to attend school functions, be a room-mother, carpool to various activities, and balance the demands of home and work. Both men and women express concerns about being able to maintain authority and discipline if they become disabled. Both worry about their ability to be good role models for their kids.
Couples who raise these important questions may want to begin thinking about parenting in a more flexible way. "Good" parenting can take many forms. The feelings that parents have for their children can be expressed in a variety of actions and activities. The ability to think more flexibly about parenting roles will relieve some of the pressure that prospective parents feel. Knowing that there is more than one way to do the job can make it easier to anticipate success. The confidence that parents have in their ability to provide love and nurturance will translate into feelings of confidence and security for their children.
Role Flexibility
OVER THE COURSE of their relationship, members of a couple gradually take shared or primary responsibility for certain roles (e.g., breadwinner, household manager, primary caregiver to the children, or financial planner). Sometimes this division of labor is done with much discussion and negotiation, and sometimes by tacit agreement with no real discussion or awareness of the decision-making process. However the process occurs, it is done in the face of an uncertain future. No couple knows for sure what the future will bring, but they hope and assume that it will happen as they have planned, with each able to carry out his or her chosen roles.
Couples who question whether it is wise for them to have children should think about how they would feel in the event that significant role changes became necessary. Would a man want to start a family if he knew that he might one day have to take over primary childrearing responsibilities? Would a woman want to start a family if she knew that she might have to become the sole breadwinner? There are no correct answers to these questions; each individual and each couple will respond differently. Once again, the ability to talk honestly about these questions will enable couples to make more realistic decisions and reduce future stress and resentment. To find out more, you can check out Multiple Sclerosis And Parenting.