PARENTS AND THEIR adult child with MS need to redefine their ongoing relationship in such a way that the feelings and needs of each person can be recognized, accepted, and, to the degree possible, accommodated. For this to occur, these mixed-generation adults must be able to talk about the current situation and the ways in which their roles as parent and child can be adapted or molded to fit the present needs. This is a challenging task for even the most close-knit families.
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| Talking About Communication In Multiple Sclerosis |
Empathy, creativity, flexibility, tolerance, and a sense of humor are important ingredients in this type of renegotiation. Parents need to be able to accept and respect the autonomy of their adult child while at the same time offering whatever kinds of support they feel comfortable giving. Adults who have MS need to learn how to express their own needs while simultaneously recognizing their parents' needs and feelings.
"l know you're worried about me but it's uncomfortable to have you asking me how I am all the time; I'm fine right now and I just want to forget about the MS for a while" might be the response of a 25 year old son who was recently diagnosed and feels smothered by an anxious parent's repeated questions about his health. His parents, in turn, might explain to him that it will take them some time to get accustomed to this frightening and unexpected change in his life, and ask that he keep them up-to-date on how he is doing.
"I know you only want what is best for me, but I need to listen to my doctor's recommendations and make this decision myself" might be the response of a 38-year-old daughter with MS to parents who are urging her to try a medication they read about in the newspaper or make a visit to a faith healer. Parents who are anxious to help their child get better may want that child to try anything and everything that they hear about from friends or read about in the media. When their well-meaning advice is not followed, the parents may feel hurt, frustrated, rejected, and angry. They need some reassurance that their child has chosen a doctor with expertise in the treatment of MS who will make sure that everything possible is being done to manage symptoms and control disease progression.
"I feel as though you're checking up on me all the time; if l need help I promise I'll call you, but for now I'm doing very well and want to get on with my life" might be the response to parents who call their son many times a week at home or at work to make sure that everything is OK. While the son needs to understand his parents' anxiety and concerns for his welfare, the parents need to understand that he does not want to be treated like a sick person who is unable to take care of himself. He is trying to learn how to live with MS without allowing it to take more time and attention than it really needs.
"Steve has really been very supportive, helping me out more around the house and with the kids' activities. I know you don't think anyone could take as good care of me as you would, but he's doing e great job and I want you to stop criticizing him. It's hurting his feelings and it's no good for our relationship" might be the way a daughter would explain to her parents that she and her husband are adapting well to the demands of MS and that the parents' suggestions might not be as helpful as they intend them to be. She understands that her parents are worried about her, but wants them to realize that she and her husband need to work out their own way of coping with MS. To find out more, you can check out Talking About Communication In Multiple Sclerosis.